Urban Dictionary defines Dog Fucking as: When someone is on the clock (at work) and they stand around acting busy and actually do nothing.
At any place of business, there is a guy.... Let's call this guy "Gary". In the close to 15 years I have spent working at numerous jobs, he is the best Dog Fucker you have ever seen. How does he do it though? A better question would be , what makes a successful dog fucker? What are the necessary tools to be a top notch dog fucker?
In the 10 years I have watched "Gary", and others that have followed him. Here are my Top 10 Things that must be achieved in order to have a successful day, season, or career as a dog fucker.
1. Don't call in Sick, unless absolutely necessary: You can't dog Fuck if your at home. If you show up , they will be happy. Especially if someone else calls in sick. So even if you don't want to go... GO! Then stand around, act busy and get paid for it.
2. Only Do The Minimum: If you know the absolute most you can get away with, get away with it. Don't do more, or they will EXPECT more. Do the minimum, and then you can spend the rest of your work day talking and getting paid for it.
3. Show Interest In the Company. Supervisors and Bosses like nothing more then someone who kisses their ass. A close second is someone that puts the company first. A good Dog fucker will take the time to have a 5 minute converstation talking about the company with the boss. You don't have to enjoy it. Hell, you don't even have to listen after you ask the question. Once you ask the question though, the boss will look at you as a great employee!
4. Take Your Time: If you need to work , remember you get paid by the hour. Not on Salary. The pressure is on THEM, not you.
5. Take A Shit: Your body is your time. If you need to pinch a loaf, go for it! If you need to spend 20-30 minutes pushing one out , that is your business. How can they get mad at you if your taking care of yourself?
6. Don't Wander....Be Active: If you have your hands in your pockets and your staring at the ceiling, your a marked man. If you have your hands out and have papers in them and looking straight ahead, your not going to be touched. Why? Because your active. You look like your on a mission...... A mission to fuck the pooch.
7.Do Things Twice: If nobody is looking go back and do something again. If you swept the floor already , go do it again. Especially if you have to go grab the broom again. More walking , and doing things twice means = More hard work for others & you doing less hard work.
8. If Your Caught, Have a gameplan: If I'm caught at work, I say that I was talking about a safety issue. That way, my talking can be precieved as legitimate even if I'm talking about Tits.
9. 15 - 20 Minutes Max: You can't Sit on the shitter, or talk all day long. Employers are wise now to dog fucking so if you do anyone one of these for more then 20 minutes AT A TIME. Employers will start to red flag you. So keep dog fucking to a 15 minute minimum per hour. If you do 15 minutes per hour for 8 hours thats 2 hours of dog fucking, factor in 2 coffee's & a lunch. If you can get away with 2 20 minute coffees and a 40 minute lunch that is almost 3 and a half hours of dog fucking in a shift.
10. Don't Forget The Rules: If you forget any of these when out on the battle field your a goner.
"Gary" has been doing all of these for close to 10 years , and he's praised by management. Several times it's been said, "Why can't you be more like Gary?".
Now you can.
Go out , and try and be like a "Gary". Be a Dog Fucker.
How F'N True!!!
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